Expand
Let's talk breast cancer...expanders and all!
Definition: Verb. become or make larger or more extensive.
Let’s talk about this word. The meaning is percolating regularly, loading me with lots of thoughts, musings and ideas around what this word means to me personally in all ways.
The most obvious for me is the literal sense of the word is Expanders.
I had expanders placed in my chest after my double mastectomy was done in August. I felt called to share my story with you all of what this part of my journey has been like for me. It is not talked about, so many women have to make these choices, these decisions when faced with their diagnosis but for some reason it is just such a taboo topic. I have a deep desire to change this whole idea. So, here we are, it is a bit longer post, so grab some tea and enjoy!
What are expanders? Expanders are place holders to make space for implants to be placed in my chest.
What did this look like for me?
A brief understanding of what happens when a person decides to go through a double mastectomy and reconstruction with breast cancer. I made a decision after my diagnosis of breast cancer to have a bi-lateral mastectomy with reconstruction, one concern with this is that I also had to have radiation. When one has to go through radiation you are not able to put implants in directly following a bi-lateral mastectomy. The tissue that gets radiated is going to change drastically and so you have to wait.
The tricky part, you have to place something called an “expander” in the chest to be able to keep space open while you are in treatment. For lack of a better way of explaining this, these expanders are attached to my chest in four places and filled with a small amount of solution. You get to decide how much solution you want inserted depending on the size implant you want to have ... .yup…this is the part where I got to choose how big or small my boobs were going to be! How cool is that!! I mean, it was cool to me, to be totally honest I have always been large chested and HATED it! Now was my chance! Small boobs for the win!
Here is where I realized where the word Expand fell drastically short for me, expanders get ATTACHED to my body, which means you have to feel them ALL the time. The range of motion to move my chest and arms was shorter and smaller…there was LESS expansion here and to be honest it MADE ME NUTS! I felt like everything was just a little bit constricted all the time.
Now, let me be clear, this is my personal experience and if I have learned anything through my cancer journey, every single person has their own decisions, struggles, and challenges. They need to decide what is right for them and their own bodies. This is so important for us to pay attention to, this is incredibly hard for everyone. So, have grace when someone shares their stories and their decisions, it is not an easy thing to do.
I had to get through my radiation treatment for 5 weeks, and then these suckers were going to get taken out…
Or not.
Meeting with my plastic surgeon, she informed me that I need to wait one month for every week of radiation before I could have my expanders taken out and implants put in.
So, to clarify, I did 5 weeks of radiation, do the math ... 5 months! Holy shit! I was going to have to wait 5 freakin’ months before these ridiculous things were going to be taken out. I am not going to lie, this took a bit of time for me to process. I was really bummed out.
Expand my capacity of patience and understanding of this whole stupid journey. That is where I went after a bit of a temper tantrum. Just one more thing to process and allow all the feelings to come through. I can do this. I can do this…..can I do this?
Four months have passed and I have been able to do my yoga practice, started basic strength training, and even began swimming. All of this felt incredibly freeing and it was incredible to be able to feel my strength coming back. With that, it was a continual struggle to have full range of motion, and the soreness was pretty constant. I would joke with people that the visual that I would always think about is having two camelback water pouches stapled to my chest. They felt heavy and awkward. Nothing remotely close to expanding my strength and it was really wearing on me mentally and physically. I felt as if I would take 10 steps forward in my healing and then fall back 8 steps after a hard yoga practice or a long hike. That tug and pull (ha! No pun intended.) It was frustrating.
Visiting my plastic surgeon at the end of February, I was eager to find out if she was ready to schedule my surgery for the end of April, that would be exactly 5 months post radiation. I was ready to fight for that date. Time for these suckers to get taken out!
I adore my plastic surgeon, she has always been really clear, honest, and compassionate with me as I worked through all the decisions about reconstruction post all my surgeries and radiation.
It is not an easy process. When you have a double mastectomy and have radiation your tissue is taken out, and whatever tissue remains gets radiated. That radiated tissue will harden and it is incredibly challenging to work with as a plastic surgeon. She was very clear and honest with me. I would have a full reconstruction and would do her best to balance out my breasts but they would not look the same. The left side would be more hard and firm, the right side that did not have radiation would stay more soft and pliable and would drop over time.
No, I do not walk away with perky perfect boobs like someone who is just going in for a boob job. I was going to need to expand my perspective on what my body was going to look like as I move forward in this life. This was something I was needing to practice. I am still working on this every single day as my body heals. I was going to go through this whole surgical process and have imperfect boobs.
My surgeon met with me, took one look and said we are getting this done! Let’s schedule the surgery! I would be able to get my expanders taken out in less than three weeks! I could have hugged her. She was very aware of my struggles, and how active I was and she supported me throughout this process and I was so grateful.
So, surgery number three was scheduled for April 3rd.
The day arrives, and I am anxious about another surgery, another load of drugs and anesthesia, and to be honest the pain of recovery to follow just seemed overwhelming.
The surgery took 90 minutes. That is all. I am still so completely baffled by this. The surgery was to remove the expanders, and put the implants in, and fat graft at my belly to add to the implants to round them out. Yes, it is basically liposuction. Yikes!
The surgery was a success. I came out of this procedure so much clearer. The anesthesia did not affect me as much this round and I was so relieved to have felt like my mind was clear and I didn't feel sick. I had a nerve block for my chest and some pain killers as I woke so the pain was not too bad.
Then I tried to sit up. My stomach felt like someone had run me over with a mac truck. Holy crap, that was a bit of a shock. I had a binder wrapped around my whole stomach and padding on my chest. I was not able to really see anything. I would have my reveal in 48 hours when the bandages could be removed.
Michael brings me home the same day, and I hit the couch. Rest. Take pain meds. Sleep. Take pain meds. Sleep. Take pain meds. Eat. Repeat.
I do not feel my expanders! I have almost full range of motion in my arms literally hours after surgery! If there is anything out of this surgery that I was THRILLED about it was this. There was a noticeable difference in my chest and I was so relieved. I was so grateful to have them out. So much of my discomfort over the last 8 months was just the fact that they were in my chest.
48 hours later, I am able to take bandages and the binder off and shower. This is a moment in my life that is burned into my heart and soul. Michael helps me take off the bandages at my chest and removes the binder, and there is this expansion of my body. I can breathe, the body releases and softens a bit. The air hits my skin and I see bruising, A LOT of bruising all around my belly and sides. My breasts are not too bruised, she did all the work through two incisions and my left side is fairly firm and the right is slightly lower. I remember her saying to me, they will never be exactly the same. Yup, they are not the same, and I feel in my body a sense of sadness. I just went through another HUGE surgery and they are not the same. The incisions are very prominent and my scar from my tumor is still there. No, I will not have perfect boobs. With time, this is something I will become ok with, it is just going to take a bit of getting used to. Sadness, deep full body sadness settles in me.
So, the reveal doesn’t feel like a celebration to say the least. To be honest, it was a complete buzz kill. It showed me how much healing I still had to do. It was a reminder of my reality. I was not done with this healing journey, and I better just find that space of acceptance that this was going to take longer than I wanted it to.
Expand my capacity to allow healing and give myself the permission to rest and honor the process that was taking place.
I don’t want to do any of that.
I am a week out of surgery, and have seen my surgeon. She is pleased with the surgery and my healing. I am feeling much better. The stomach is the one part of my body still in a bit of struggle. I have to wear a compression band for 12 weeks. Today, I feel a significant shift, the healing is happening, and I was able to go for a walk on the beach for 45 min without feeling exhausted and in pain. I am slowly learning to accept this new form of me. It is much harder than I thought to be honoring this new body. It's going to take time.
The human body is truly a miraculous thing. What an honor to be able to allow these changes and for it to heal from ALL of the traumas and shifts that have happened in this last year. It can sound cliche and a bit fluffy when I continually say that I just need to honor my body and be patient. It is honestly true.
I do honor my body, this journey, and where I am at right now. I also honor the struggle and the pain. You can have two things be true at the same time. For now, I am expanding my heart and my truth to what is happening in this present moment. It really is all I can do.
I appreciate you all settling in to this longer writing today. My love for all of you is massive!
With love
ANNOUCEMENTS!
Stay tuned for new yoga class schedules coming in Mid May! I am excited to be offering some fun new options for you all!
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