I am so tired.
A bit of a life update for you.
I am so tired. Like, to the bone tired. Life keeps moving. I keep moving and moving and moving. Until I am stopped right in my tracks. Life throws me the unexpected and I can not move. Frozen in space and everything seems to stop. Forced into stillness and all the noise of the world around me goes quiet with only a faint buzzing sound in the background.
It is so strange to sit here and write a newsletter to all of my loving community. Everything feels just that slight bit different right now. A smidge off and unaligned.
Wednesday May 29th I am diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
There is no other way to throw it out into the world, it just has to be said out loud. It feels and sounds weird. I say it and do not think that it is true…it is not really breast cancer, it's small and not a big deal.
This is not true.
It may be small in size but it is HUGE in my life right now. I do not want it to be that way, I want to confidently say this is nothing to worry about and everything will be “Fine”. I really do not like the word “Fine”, it just doesn't hold value or gusto. It feels so mediocre.
Gosh this is hard to share, I have all of these feelings around it. What are people going to think about me writing about this in my newsletter? Is this even appropriate to share? Isn’t it important to share? Women need to know about this, and we need to not feel like it is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Well, here it goes…
Yet, I am all of those things. Scared, overwhelmed, ashamed, embarrassed, intimidated…
It is strange how I can openly talk about it with people if it is brought up to me, but if I am the one that has to share the news there is an overwhelming need to shut down and run the other direction. To have to say it out loud is the hard part. How do I do that? When people ask me how I am doing, what is the response?
“I am ok, I have breast cancer.”
That is a conversation stopper right there…straight up buzz kill.
You know what though, it is currently my truth. I recognize that, and to be honest I have acceptance around it. I try my hardest to eat right, move my body, do the meditation when I can and yet I have breast cancer. I think this is why I am sharing this with all of you. The need to share that this really can happen to just about anyone at any time. And, I believe in my heart that we can talk about ALL of it.
So now what? What does all of this look like?
From a very literal sense, I will be meeting with a Breast Cancer Surgeon tomorrow where she will lay out all my treatment options and schedule an MRI to do a full check of both my breasts. From there, I will create a plan of what works best for my cancer and my body.
Whoa.
I have no idea what that looks like or what it will be like to navigate through, the mind does go mad for a bit. What are those options? What will this cost? What is recovery like? How long will I be out of work? Holy crap…..there are so many questions.
This is where I ended up this morning, back to my mat for a bit and I reflected on The Three Tenets by the Zen Peacemakers. I have talked A LOT about this because, to be honest, these tenets are the foundation for almost everything in my life. And, right now…these are at my core on a daily basis.
Not Knowing: I release any ideas or notions of understanding or grasping this process I am in right now.
Bearing Witness: I give myself permission to experience ALL of it–the good, the bad, and the ugly!
Taking Action: I can move through this with as much honor and grace as I can and continue to circle back to the first two tenets always!
Honor and Grace. These words continue to flow through me as I write this. Ironically, these two words are the middle names for each of my children, Aidyn Honor and Bella Grace. Yes, that was very intentional. I wanted my kids to hold these attributes close to their hearts and souls. I will stumble and fall, cry and scream, and most definitely shift into something much greater as I walk through this. I want to talk and share and grow, so do not fear having a conversation and sharing space with me about this. I invite the dialogue. The loving support of this community keeps me going and I will continue to share my journey along the way.
I do not have any answers right now and that is ok. I am scared yet also willing to do the work. I am human. This is my human experience, and I will continue to keep moving forward, but not in a hussle my ass off kind of way, it will be done with grace and honor and courage ... .and probably some tears.
Your writing/sharing is brave…takes courage. Brene Brown in her writings wrote -“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant 'To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart. “
Sending support, hugs and that you have been in my thoughts/heart. I first *met* you while listening to an engaged mentorship podcast with Elena Brower - then we *connected*. I can somewhat relate to you as I had to meet with oncology during my third pregnancy and those emotions/life experience…but we each have our own story.
Sending love to you ✨💛✨
I might have already landed on the other side, but I remember this very beginning. Such a big step to come out from behind the curtain with this. That took courage - which I admire. You are on your way, and never, ever alone. With you always. Big gentle hugs - Vicki