I am standing on the edge

Finding Courage and Patience on this Cancer Journey

I am standing on the edge.

The space inbetween what was before and what is next for me, even if it is a cliff that I may fall off… or maybe fly?

A space where things are going to be different. What does that even look like? What does that actually mean?

I am at the halfway point of my radiation treatments, 25 total treatments, 5 days a week for 5 weeks. It is exhausting to just type that.

I am officially halfway done…with this part at least.

My skin is so tight, if you touch it, it feels like little needles shooting into my left side. It's very similar to when you get sunburned and you feel the stinging heat of the burn before the redness arrives. There is a deep strange throbbing sensation every now and then that radiates through my left chest into my left underarm. I am told this is an accumulative process, the exhaustion and fatigue will increase, the skin may get more and more irritated. Sleeping on my left side has become uncomfortable again. I can not wait for the day that I can sleep through the night and not wake to some sort of discomfort in my chest whether its the expanders or the radiation .... soon (well 5 months from now)  it will be healing from implants, so I have more to come and will have to be patient.

Patience. Love and hate this word these days. Feeling the healing and the strength return and know that I am working hard to make this sweet body of mine cancer free.

Someday.

So today I am…

Standing on the edge of Healing

Standing on the edge of Pain

Standing on the edge of Cancer

Standing on the edge of Growth

Standing on the edge of Love

Standing on the edge of Giving In

Standing on the edge of Giving Up

Standing on the edge of Creativity

Standing on the edge of Fear that cancer will return

Standing on the edge of Strength and Weakness

Standing on the edge of Cells Growing and Cells Dying

Standing on the edge of Compassion

Standing on the edge of Patience 

Standing on the edge of Simply Being Human

Standing on the edge of Every Single Moment 

As I stand on the edge, I want to fly.

Sometimes that flight is to go far far away so I can run from all that is around me. Other times, actually most of the time  it is to fly so I can find myself. I want to discover the parts of me that I have not been able to reach. Taking that flight is so real and so palpable to me I can almost feel it in my bones. 

So for now, I stand here with patience, grounded on this earth and wait to take flight to what is next for me.

I end with a quote from Roshi Joan Halifax, this is from her book Standing on the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet. You can now understand a bit why this phrase has resonated with me. This book changed me, and I believe it is a book for all of us to spend time reading, contemplating, and absorbing. 

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“Nowhere to go, nothing to do … Lost and found in the moment … Just practice this … Maybe here is where we find wholeheartedness and our true freedom.”

― Joan Halifax, Standing at the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet

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Namaste and love to each and every one of you!

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P.S. - To read the other substack pieces on this cancer journey- I am so tired, Breathing Through the Storm, How is YOUR heart doing?

P.P.S - Need some additional support as we walk through our own journeys right now? Check out this sweet meditation -

P.P.P.S - Join me for a yoga class! Let’s breath, move, and come together in community!